god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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