I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
