she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
