She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
