Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
