Your face is a jimmy john
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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