How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
pray to the hookup gods
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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