my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
