one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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