i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
