i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
