OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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