What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
