you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize