If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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