There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
