i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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