I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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