Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
