Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I want a musical about memes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
