The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
