YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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