you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
