This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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