I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
