I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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