I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
