I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize