I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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