So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
