Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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