Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You made out with two different species that night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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