just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
