Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
