Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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