A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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