Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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