There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
