so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
