Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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