i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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