If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
