So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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