Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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