Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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