I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
