I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
