mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
