I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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