he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
