when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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