I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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