Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
