Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
