Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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