I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
