remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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