i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i think i just lost a toe
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
