If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
