his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
