my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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